In the Catholic liturgical calendar today is Good Friday. It is a day that we recall the death of Jesus, and his sacrifice to save us from our sins.
Over the last few years I have battled a crisis of faith. I am a firm believer in the fundamentals of the Catholic faith however I have been at odds with the church on some issues recently. I will not discuss the personal conflict here but I will tell you what I'm doing today to battle it.
I have come to a realization--It is healthy for me to question my faith. If I am questioning my faith then I am focused on it. If I became apathetic or abandoned the faith then I should feel shame. When I need to think, I run. So that's what i'm going to do today to help strengthen my myself and God.
There are 14 traditional "Stations of the Cross." The stations were designed by pilgrims to Jerusalem as a way to follow the path Jesus took towards his death. Today I will reflect on the "Way of The Cross" which is a modern sequence of the stations. Today I will be running 14 miles and during each mile I will reflect upon a different area of my life and my faith. Your faith is within your individual person. The best way that I can explore mine is to run really far, really fast.
Here is my personalized plan for reflection:
Station 1. Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane
Mile 1- A reflection of what has brought me to where I am in life. The good I am thankful for and the bad for which I am remorseful.
Station 2. Jesus is betrayed by Judas and arrested
Mile 2- Reflections about times I betrayed others or was betrayed by them. My commitment to not hurt those around me as I have in the past.
Sation 3. Jesus is condemned by the Sanhedrin
Mile 3- Recalling events in which I may have been questioned unfairly. My attempt to come to terms with things in life I just might not be able to change.
Station 4. Jesus is denied by Peter.
Mile 4- Recalling times when I acted as Peter did--denying association with persons or events. Remembering those I hurt in the past. Calling on the Lord to forgive me for those actions.
Station 5. Jesus is judged by Pilate.
Mile 5- Reflections about times where I have made judgement on others. Was I fair to them? What can I do today to be a more fair person?
Station 6. Jesus is scourged and crowned with thorns.
Mile 6- Remembering why I do the work I do, and it's physical nature. Being a soldier is a physically painful job. Reflections on the soldiers around me that have been killed or injured.
Station 7. Jesus takes up his cross
Mile 7- Remembering the cross I bear. My cross is 28 years in the making but it is one that I carry each day. I will remember that it is a cross I have chosen by my acceptance of faith.
Station 8. Jesus is helped by Simon to carry the cross.
Mile 8- Reflecting on all those who helped me get to where I am today. Remembering my friends and family that has always been at my side to help me carry the cross of life, especially when it seemed to heavy. Remembering that I am never alone on this journey.
Station 9. Jesus meets the women of Jerusalem
Mile 9- Reflections on my home in Michigan, my adopted home in Washington, Julie's home in DC, and Afghanistan--which I called home for almost 9 months. I will reflect on the people i have known in these places and the way I treated them. Was I fair and just? What would I say to someone who I have not seen in a long time? Am I worthy of their respect?
Station 10. Jesus is crucified
Mile 10- Mile 10 is the most mentally stressful in a half marathon. During this mile I will reflect on the specific issues that tested me and led me to question my faith. Why I feel how I do about them. What beliefs can I affirm to help strengthen my relationship with God.
Station 11. Jesus promises his kingdom to the repentant thief
Mile 11- What do I offer to the world around me? Do I give my time and energy for good causes? What is my kingdom and is it of value to those around me?
Station 12. Jesus entrusts Mary and John to each other
Mile 12- Reflections on family. Is my mother proud of the son she raised? What can I do to strengthen relationships with my family and help strengthen the spiritual bond that has held us together through thick and thin?
Station 13. Jesus dies on the cross.
Mile 13- Reflection on my personal mortality. If I died today would I be proud of the life I lived? Would I take my love of God, family, and country to the grave knowing that I honestly gave my best efforts to them?
Mile 14. Jesus is laid in the tomb.
Mile 14- As the run comes to an end I will focus on the next chapter in life. Very soon Julie and I will lay to rest the more than 2 year cross-country/around-the-world relationship. We will finally get to live together as a married couple should. During the final mile I will reflect on the trials of the last 25 months, and what we can do to bring God into our marital home.
This is my personal journey to an affirmation of faith.
Until next time...
Chris
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